My head hit the pillow, but my brain refused to shut down. With Mom gone these last few months, I have been lonely, and sleep has been hard to come by; every creak of the house sounded louder than it should have been, and the house felt empty but full of the ghostly memories that haunted me daily. Getting home to no one there and cooking my single-portion meals only emphasized how I had no one left to love me. Nikki was great, but she couldn't be there all the time, and I felt the loneliness more deeply when she left. At times it still felt like if I walked into her room she would be there. God, I missed her.
If I couldn't have my mom back, I wished I had someone to share my day with when I got home. I had always been academically focused, and guys just didn't get to play much of a part; I wanted to make my mom proud and pushed myself in everything I set my mind to. She was so proud of me when we found out I had received valedictorian in high school, even after jumping two years ahead in high school and then becoming valedictorian again in my degree. She was there beaming; we laughed and we celebrated. I clung to those memories now, glimmers of a happier time, cherished for the rest of my life.
I knew Mom was frustrated when I took the last year off to care for her. She was always independent, and having to rely on anyone for anything broke her. When her care became too much for me, assisted living came in and helped out. She wanted me to fight for my dreams and never give up, and even though it was only a year off, based on the circumstances at the time, I would do it again. My dream of opening my own place could wait a bit. My vision still stood, and I was determined not to give up. I wanted to do it all in honor of my mom; it was something she stood by me with, and I knew she wanted that for me.
I had finally started to doze when the first moans reached my ears. I got my answer on whose place Nikki would be shacking up with her Romeo in. I wish the two of them were not as vocal as they were; I never knew guys made those sounds during sex. Nate was rather loud, and Nikki put up a good fight in competing against him. I tried covering my head with my spare pillow.
When morning comes, I don't think I will be able to look Matt or Nate in the eyes again without blushing, or Nikki, to be brutally honest. I felt the bed dip and froze in fear. "Don't worry, it's just me. I thought we could talk more while the nightly games continued and the nocturnal animals finally settled. A sort of way to give us something else to keep our minds occupied. Otherwise, tomorrow could be rather awkward, plus it's a lot louder out there," he spoke in a hushed tone. "Also don't panic; I'm on top of the covers, partially clothed, with my own blanket. " I shot up straight with the covers around my neck at the partially clothed part. ”Define 'partially clothed'? " I ask him immediately
"Don't overreact now; I have my boxers on. The denims were uncomfortable, and the shirt made me get tangled up in the blankets more. The thermostat was set rather warm, and it felt suffocating. I usually sleep in the buff, but I thought because I was being put up for the night... I would at least keep those on and not freak out the natives, compromise, and be more considerate, you know.” He snickered.
I had never had a guy in my bed before, so this was new territory for me, even if nothing was happening. My heart galloped and I could almost not hear him.
"Tell me about yourself: What are your dreams, your favorite memories, your childhood crush, your deepest secret, and your worst day?" I thought hard about that; I would possibly never see him again after today, so what harm would it do to open up and be brutally honest?
"If I answer, you also have to," I say, lying on my back, staring at the complete darkness around me.
"I wouldn't ask you to do anything I wouldn't do myself, sweetheart." He replied, "I could hear the smirk he had without even having to see it."
"So let's see, my dream at this moment is to open up my own veterinary practice. I just finished college and have my degree now; I'm just trying to figure out where would be the best place to set up shop. My favorite memory... that's a difficult one. I would have to say it's any time spent with my mom. "I wasn't going to go too much into that answer. I could already feel my throat closing up, and the tears began to sting the corners of my eyes; it hurt too much to think about her right now. "Childhood crush... not really sure... I was a lot smarter and a bit of a geek in school. I never really paid attention to the boys and graduated when I was 16; they all seemed too ... I don't know, all over the place. Girls changed more times than wearing deodorant, so they kind of took a back seat for me. I wasn't going to be a notch on a bedpost, and even with being younger, I was far more mature than they were. Worst day ... that one is too easy, unfortunately; it would be burying my mom two months back and saying goodbye to my best friend, knowing I would never see her again and she would never see me get married, start a family, or become a grandma. Those are the tough ones."
A lone tear escaped and slid down my cheek as I said that last part; it still felt raw and felt fresh. I didn't want to ball and ugly cry in front of him. So I changed the topic fast. Diverting attention away from myself, I quickly called out, "Your turn," the next tear escaping while I not-so-secretly used my sleeve to wipe them away.
Matt turned on his side to face me as he answered, "My dream at the moment is to live my life for me. I gave my dad a lot of control in the past and was scared to rock the boat; I wanted him to care about me the way he did my brothers. I wanted to be of value, to be cared for like they were, but I realize nothing will ever be good enough for him, and all it will do is make me hate myself, my brothers, and him if I do what he is trying to force me into. Yesterday I took the first of many steps in that direction by breaking it off with Chelsea; I don't regret it! My favorite memory would have to be fishing with my gramps; he's amazing and has always been there for me, stood up for me when the family railroaded me, and took me in when Gramps and Grams saw the problems coming my way if I continued to stay with my dad. They gave me a home and they made sure I knew what it meant to be loved. My childhood crush had to be my brother's girlfriend, Jessica; she was hot. She always made me feel heard and was kind. Mind you, I was 6 years old at the time, and she was the prettiest girl I ever saw. "Deepest secret... what my parents show as a happy family is fake; they never loved each other, and I don't want that for me. There is nothing real about it. Worst day of my life walking in on my stepmom with the gardener going at it like it was an Olympic sport, or worse yet, when I hit 16 and her eyes turned to me. My grandparents saved me, and I owe them everything for that. You still owe me your deepest secret," he added as he finished off.
"I'm not sure what to say about that ..." I thought hard about it; he had opened up and told me so much, so many deep and personal things that anything I had to say I felt would take away how he had been hurt.
"Come on, give me something deep that not even Nikki knows," he encouraged me.
After a long moment of silence I finally answered, "I'm all alone now and broken; I'm struggling to keep the pieces together, and it hurts so damn much! "I hate my mom's family for not being there; I hate my dad for never caring or bothering to look for me. I just feel broken and lost" the tears now fell in fat drops; it came out as a flood and I couldn't hold it in.
Nikki knew I was close to snapping and even called me out on how unhealthy it was to bottle everything up. I had hit that point where the dam burst, and I couldn't keep it in any more. I felt Matt's arms tighten around me as he pulled me closer and held me through each tear falling until there was no more left to cry.
Matt was beautiful-looking, but what he shared and the honesty behind his confessions started something. That was the moment I realized Matt was someone I could love, and I think I had just taken the first step in that direction, and I didn't feel scared with him, which was completely crazy. I didn't know him from Adam, and this was Vegas; after all, I didn't even know where in the States he was from. We could literally live on opposite ends of the continent.
The marathon had finally subsided about 10 minutes ago, and silence was all we heard. My eyelids could finally no longer stay open and lost the battle and closed. I drifted off into a deep sleep, feeling safe for the first time in months because Matt's arms still held me close, my head resting on his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart while his breath evened out and tickled the hairs on my head.