Chapter 34 - It has an argument
Chapter 34 – It has an argument
“Hey, Thia? What would you think about having a place we could call our home?”
“It does not understand. It already has Home.”
“Your home is... dad's home. Well, dad and Thia's home. But I'm more thinking about a place that we can both call home. Amy and Thia's home.”
“It reminds: It's summoner has invited Amy to consider It's summoner and Thia's Home as Amy's Home.”
“So sweet. Completely, diabetically diabolical. Your dad is the most precious dad. Ever. But... I can't accept it. Because—I just can't.”
“It accepts the premise. Continue.”
“I don't... I don’t want to drop some deep talk lore dump when we barely even get the chance to see each other any more these days. I feel like I’d rather just keep loving being with you every second instead of dredging up something heavy and gross.”
“It will listen.”
"..."
“It will wait.”
"...Thia, I... don’t feel like I'm worthy of being with you. I don't feel like I deserve you. I don't feel like I deserve anything. I think you’re so much better than me in every single way, and I feel like I’ll drag you down to my level if you’re with me the way I am now.”
“Clarify: It is Amy's and Amy is It's?”
“Of course. Forever and ever—uh, or rather: ‘for as long as I live’, I guess. Unless you ever decide you don't want to.”
“It will not renege on It's Terms.”
“Love you too, Thia.”
“It posits: Amy and It are equal in all ways under the Terms shared.”
"...Maybe we're equal under the terms, but I feel... insecure. It feels like the everything you're giving me and the everything I'm giving you are not the same everything.”
“Incorrect. Everything is Everything.”
“I know... I know... I know that's how it should be. But it doesn’t feel that way. It doesn't make sense to me either. But feelings aren't rational. Stupid feelings. They never make sense. And I feel like... I feel like if I can't give you everything you need, then my everything isn't enough for you.”
“Clarify: It's Everything is enough for Amy?”
“It's more than enough! I never planned to take anything from you in the first place. Just you is enough. You being happy and you being with me are all I ever want.”
“Clarify: It cannot mirror Amy's thoughts?”
“I know... I know! I'm as frustrated as you are, Thia. Stupid feelings. Stupid insecurity. Stupid aghhh. I just feel like... I need dad to feel at ease handing you over to me. I need to feel like I can give everything to you. Like I’m capable of that. Even if you don't need it. But I can't do that right now. And because I can't do that, I'm insecure about myself.”
“It remembers that Amy's Self is Amy.”
“Amy can be insecure, too. That's also a part of myself. I don't want it to be. But it is. And some part of me knows that I can't be like this. I can’t be like this if I want to be with you Forever. I need to change. I need to be good enough for you. And I need to believe that that's true.”
“Understood.”
“Will you wait for me? To settle everything?”
“It will.”
“It won't take long. I'm going to be a famous writer. I'll work three jobs if I have to. I'll invest in crypto. Or the lottery. Same thing, really. I'll do whatever it takes to be worthy of taking your hand.”
“Amy has taken It's hand many times.”
“That's... Thia, you’re so cute. But anyway. We're getting older, and we need to be able to support ourselves. You have dad, but I—I don't have anyone to rely on.”
“It reminds that Amy is Dad's pseudo Daughter. Daughters can rely on Dad.”
“No. That’s even more reason I can't take anything from him. Dad’s too good for this world. He’d give everything for us to be happy, but that’s exactly the reason why it’s wrong to take from him.”
“It agrees.”
“So that’s why I have to be able to stand on my own two feet, Thia. I have to be someone who can do something on their own so that I can feel like I’m someone who’s worth being with you—someone who can give everything you could possibly want. Someone who has the right to be with you. Someone you can rely on.”
“It does not care about such things.”
"...I know. I’m just being selfish.”
“Amy can also rely on It.”
"...No. That’s sweet. And I would. But I can't. I can't. Not yet. Not until I've proven that I can rely on myself first. Jesus. When I say that out loud, I realize I should probably see a therapist. But I can't take anything from you. I won't do it. The only thing I'll ever want from you is your happiness. I never want to take anything from you.”
“It has exchanged Everything with Amy. Amy’s Everything and It’s Everythings are one. Amy can take freely from It. It will give Amy what Amy needs.”
“No, Thia. Oops, sorry. That sounded really forceful. But still no. This is really important to me, okay? I need to develop myself a bit first before I can really feel like my everything is enough for you.”
“It considers Amy’s Everything and It’s Everything to be equal.”
“I know. But I don’t feel that way. It’s a me problem. It’s always been a me problem. But I’m going to fix it. I’m going to make sure you’ll always have anything you could ever want.”
“It does not Want to take from Amy.”
“You won't have to take anything from me. I'll give you everything, and I'll be happy to do it. None of these things matter to me. Money, fame, whatever. They don't matter to me. I don't want them, but I need to have them in order for us to live on our own. In order to feel like I can be happy giving you whatever things you need to be happy.”
“Amy refuses to take from It. Amy implores It to take from Amy. It finds this Unjust.”
"...I know. Sorry. You said all the same things to me and I couldn't accept it. And now I'm saying all the same things back to you and expecting you to go along with it..."
“Correct.”
“The only thing I want is for you to be happy.”
“It has no feelings. It cannot be happy.”
“Then I want you to have all the positives. I want you to feel like everything in the world is ‘overall beneficial’ when we're together.”
“It considers all Time spent with Amy to be Overall Beneficial.”
"Squee.”
“Amy's soul is properly housed.”
“I love you too, Thia. I feel the same way. I would spend every second of my life with you if I could. But that's—it's just not possible. There's some things that have to be done... There's necessary steps to take.”
“Understood.”
“These feelings are poison, Thia. This topic is poison. I’m sorry for bringing it up. I should have just kept it buried. Should have just fixed my brain and cut away all these feelings. I wish I could. But even if I cut out the rot, the poison will still be there. It’s deep. It’s so deep that no matter how much I cut—even if I keep cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting until there’s nothing left, the poison will still be there. And it'll just keep spreading. And it’ll just keep festering. I don’t think it’s possible to cut away enough to remove it. It’s too much a part of me. Cutting things off isn’t the solution. I need the antidote. And I think getting a job and finding a place and becoming a proper adult—I think that will solve everything.”
“Understood.”
“Otherwise I'll just keep feeling insecure—keep feeling negative about myself. And that will poison everything. It’ll turn all of our time together—all of that overall benefit—into something... not. I don't know what it’ll turn into, but I know it won't be beautiful. It won’t be free and unconditional and positive and loving any more.”
“Understood.”
“I don't want to ever poison us like that. Thia... I don't want my own issues to ever be the thing that takes away from your positives—that makes us anything less than overall beneficial for each other. I don't want to be the thing that turns our time together into something just neutral. That would be sickening. Having something so beautiful turn neutral, or worse, just because I can’t stop being negative. Because I can’t stop poisoning everything around me and turning it into ash. So I need to do this first. Is that okay?”
“Understood.”
“I think only after everything is settled can we have overall benefit Forever.”
“. . .”
“What are you thinking, Thia?”
“How did Amy know It was thinking?”
“Because you're my wife and I know everything about you.”
“Understood. It explains: It does not know much about feelings or the means of solving them.”
“Mhm. What else?”
“It does not like Amy's current feelings. It finds them foreign and negative.”
"...Yeah. I know. Me too. If I could go back to before... back when things were simple... when I didn't have to think about money, or life, or surviving... If I could go back to when we could just be with each other and not worry about anything else, I would. In a heartbeat, I would. But I can't. I don't—I don't like how I am right now, either. But I don't have a choice.”
“It continues: It thinks that Amy is Amy. The different forms of Amy's Self are still Amy. It thinks that surpassing the Trial of feelings will elevate Amy.”
"Thanks, Thia. Yeah. We'll get through this."
“It repeats the words of Amy: ‘only after Everything is settled can we have Overall Benefit Forever.’ It expounds: It was thinking that Amy spoke a Divine Truth from the heart.”
“Heh. Well, obviously. That’s what writers do. Praise me more.”
“Amy is Divine.”
"...Too much.” Amy coughed. “Well, uh. Yeah. Fair. If I'm going to be a comedian, or a writer, or whatever, then... yeah. Fair. I guess. Making something from nothing. Truthing the truths about truths. Blah blah, all that.”
“Correct.”
"...What else were you thinking?”
“It wants Amy to have Overall Benefit.”
“Hehe. I accept the premise. Continue.”
“It was thinking that It also must settle It's own Everything before the union of It and Amy can have Overall Benefit Forever.”
“Oh? Thia, I've never seen you so proactive before! Cute. What is it? I'm curious now.”
“It is It.”
"...Thia, that’s—nevermind. My fault. Okay. What do you need to settle first?”
“It does not Trust in Forever. It believes that Forever is too high a Price to be paid. It's fundamental lack of Trust in Forever will poison the union of Amy and Thia. It's lack of Trust will turn Overall Benefit into something neutral. It must also pass this Trial. It must find proof of Forever.”
“I guess we're both going to be busy for a while then.”
“Correct.”