Ch 1: Harem Counseling

John took a sip of coffee and leaned back in his chair staring listlessly at the far wall. He needed to organize his notes, check his calendar for openings to fill, and send a pixie with his pen and ink order so he could have more by morning. He sighed, he wasn’t going to be doing any of that and he knew it. He also knew that the reason why he wouldn’t do it was because he missed his old secretary, and that was something she would normally do, so he was very deliberately deciding not to do it so that his thoughts wouldn’t linger on her. So instead he stared at the wall. It was somewhat hypocritical for a therapist to not be willing to do any work on himself, but the other good thing was that as a therapist he could come up with myriad excuses such as ‘giving himself time to mourn the relationship’, or ‘allowing himself grace’. Lazy platitudes, but that was all he really had the motivation for at that moment.

He heard the bells on the front door jingle as it opened, and launched himself to his feet, barely avoiding spilling his coffee as he did so. He fixed his tie, and threw on his green checkered suit jacket, before stepping out of his office into the small waiting room.

There were five people waiting for him. A large orcish woman with thick dark hair that fell in curls and an axe on her back, wearing chainmail and fur, a tall elven woman with long blonde braids and a quiver on her back, a young human woman wearing a plain peasant dress with red hair a similar shade to his own, and another young human woman wearing a crown, with black hair that fell straight down her back over a fine dress. Every single one of them was outrageously attractive in a different way. A young man stood in the midst of them, with sandy brown hair and a sword on his back. He was strong and lean with a plain face. He seemed out of place with the rest of his attractive company.

John smiled at them. “Ah, welcome. I’m sorry I don’t have anyone to greet all of you, I’m still in the process of hiring a new secretary.”

“Secretary?” asked the redheaded girl.

“It’s a person that helps keep a business organized for other people,” replied the young man.

John noted that, either the young man was a fellow expat from another world, or he’d spent a fair amount of time in Avalon where a lot of terms from other worlds tended to bleed through.

“Are you all separate, or together?”

“Together,” they replied almost in unison, several of the women shooting annoyed glances at one another.

“Ah, yes, the group relationship counseling,” in the books it was labeled as ‘Harem Counseling’, but that seemed like a term that might ruffle some feathers.

“Come in, come in. Would anyone like coffee? Tea? Water?”

“I’ll have some tea,” said the woman with the crown.

“Ale,” said the orcish woman.

“You know I don’t actually have any ale here, but…” he stepped behind his desk and pulled out a bottle of brown liquor and a glass. He poured two fingers, looked at the orcish woman again, noting that she took up nearly half of the couch in front of him, and poured two more, then he activated the magical runes on his kettle as he prepared a cup of tea.

“So, before we get started, what’s everyone’s name?”

All of them started talking at once, and John held up a hand with an apologetic look on his face.

“That’s my fault, I should’ve been specific. I’ll point at each of you and you can tell me your names,” he pointed at the Orcish woman.

“Krush.”

“Beautiful name, my aunt was named Krush.” He pointed at the elven woman.

“My name would take longer than your lifetime to fully pronounce. You may call me Sereniteya of the Western Forest.”

“Well it’s a little informal for me to call you by a nickname, but I can deal with that,” he pointed at the redheaded woman.

“I’m Carol.”

“Lovely.” He pointed at the woman with the crown.

“You do not point at crown princess Grailia Costanza of the kingdom of Lendaria.”

“Won’t happen again Princess Grailia.” He pointed at the young man in between all of them.

“I’m Zak.”

“Thank you Zak.” The kettle started to whistle and John poured the water into the infuser carefully, watching the water rapidly brown before he poured a single cup and handed it gently to Princess Grailia. He then handed the other drink to Krush. He had a feeling that order would cause the least trouble, and was right when neither of them did anything aside from taking small sips of their drinks. He went to sit at his desk and took a breath as he looked over everyone.

“So, relationship counseling is something I have a lot of experience with back on my world, but I’m going to be honest with you, this situation is a bit more complex than what I’m used to.”

“Do you not have chiefs with many consorts?” asked Krush.

“Not in my part of the world, and therapy isn’t… common in those areas where it happens.”

She frowned at that.

“So, generally the impression I get is that there’s some dissatisfaction in the relationship from all parties. Does that sound right?”

They all nodded.

“And are all of you in relationship with one another or-”

“Absolutely not,” cried Princess Grailia. “The only reason I’m here is for Zak.”

“These women are too weak to withstand me,” said Krush.

Carol blushed crimson.

“I am bound only to Zak,” said Sereniteya.

John nodded as each of the four beautiful women spoke while a bit of jealousy bloomed behind his calm smile.

“I think, in this case, I’d like to take ten or fifteen minutes with each of you on your own so that I can keep proper track of things. Unless you’d all prefer to talk over one another?”

“I wouldn’t mind,” said Krush, draining her drink and holding the empty glass toward John.

John smiled and pulled his liquor back out, pouring her another glass. Back on Earth he wouldn’t have let a client drink, but living in a new fantastical world with no ethics board or licensing concerns meant he could be a bit looser with things.

“Well, I’d like to speak with Zak first, so if the rest of you would be so kind as to wait outside the office.”

There was some pouting, but each of the women slowly made their way out of the room and into the waiting room. John closed the door behind them and activated the sound dampening enchantment before sitting back down, not at his desk, but in a smaller chair closer to the couch where he could be closer to the client.

“Are you from another world?”

Zak shook his head. “No, my dad was, but I was born in a village on the frontier. Carol is from there as well.”

“Ah, a childhood friend?”

“Yeah, we used to spend all day together until I left to be an adventurer.”

“Adventuring, that’s exciting. What made you decide on that path?” If it was meeting a bunch of beautiful women, he’d succeeded.

“I uh, have the ability to copy other people’s powers. It seemed like the best way to use it and grow it would be adventuring.”

“Ah how…unique,” John had met nearly twenty adventurers with that kind of ability. It seemed much less interesting the more people had it. “And you’ve had some success?”

“Um, yeah. We slayed the demon king, and brought peace to the world of Centalia.”

“Wow! Congratulations.” That was the fiftieth demon king John had heard of. They may as well declare a demon king hunting season at this point and just set these people loose on them.

“Thank you.”

“So, how do you feel about your relationships with these women?”

“Well I’m uh, I guess I should say that I…” He paused and let out a long sigh. “I’m exhausted. It’s so hard to keep them all happy. Krush wants me to spar or sleep with her all the time, Serenitiya just wants to be near me constantly just silently staring at me as if waiting for me to say something, Carol hates all the rest of them and wants me all to herself but doesn’t say anything about it to anyone but me and Grailia expects to be waited on hand and foot and is offended if I do anything with any of the others.” He rubbed a hand across his face. “It never ends. I’m busier now than I was when we were fighting our way to the Demon King.”

John nodded along as he listened, a bit of empathy bleeding through his envy as he heard the young man speak.

“And have you talked to any of them about how you feel? Maybe even breaking it off with a few of them.”

“Well… no. I don’t want to make them upset. I wouldn’t be a hero without them.”

John wrote people pleaser with communication issues on his pad.

“If one of them was to say they no longer wanted to be with you, would you accept that?”

“Of course. They didn’t even really ask to be with me, they each just kind of assumed. I wouldn’t want them to be with me if they didn’t want to be anymore plus” He looked at the door as if making sure it was closed, “I may actually be able to get some sleep.”

“And would you say you have a favorite?”

Zak opened his mouth to answer then snapped it shut. “That wouldn’t be fair to them if I did.”

John nodded. “Alright, I’d like to talk to some of them now. You sure you don’t want some tea? Coffee? Water?”

“No, I’ll uh, I’ll be alright.”

They both stood and made their way to the door, when Zak opened it, Serenitiya was standing directly in front of it, and looking at Zak who didn’t even flinch, just walked right past her with a wan smile.

“Well,” said John who’d startled a bit at the sight of her. “How about you go next, since you’re already here?”

…

Serentiya sat silently as John got settled back down. Her posture was perfect, and like most elves, she blinked very sparingly as she watched him sit, making him feel a bit like he was being visually dissected. Still, he was familiar with it at this point. He’d treated a fair share of elves.

“So, Serenetiya. How did you and Zak meet?”

“He came to my family’s forest, seeking the western winds so that he could make the flight to the castle of the Demon King. I decided to aid him in that quest.”

John nodded. “And you developed feelings over the course of the quest?”

“No.”

John frowned. “So, they just happened suddenly? He did something that impressed you, or made you realize you cared for him?”

“No.”

He furrowed his brow as she stared unblinkingly with wide mint green eyes. “Can you… elaborate?”

“I considered him a friend from the start and stayed that way. When we fought the Demon King’s Knight of Lust she cursed me to love the first person I saw against my will. It was supposed to be her, but instead Zak appeared at that moment and so it was him.”

“Ah… And does Zak know that’s why you love him?”

“No. Sharing such a thing would hurt him and I could not do that to the man I love.”

“But you would prefer to be free of it?”

She stayed completely still and unmoving. He took that as his answer.

He nodded with a sigh. “Well, this is easier to take care of than real love at least.” He stood up and went to his desk. He took a small piece of paper and wrote a quick note on it, then he walked to his window and opened it. He gestured at a nearby pixie and she buzzed over to him.

“Can you take this to Cursebreaker Thomalia Hexbane please?”

The pixie held out two hands and he handed her the note and a piece of honey candy. After she had them she buzzed away.

“Well, that’ll be solved by the end of the day at least.”

…

Krush sipped her third glass of liquor like it was water, but seemed only slightly buzzed, her light green skin a bit flushed around her cheeks and neck. It looked quite nice on her.

“So, how long have you known Zak?”

“Many moons. He came to my tribe to ask for our aid in the great battle. He earned our loyalty by facing me in single combat.”

“And when did you start to develop feelings for him?”

She frowned, tilting her head. “You think I love him?”

He nodded, “That’s the typical reason for these kinds of things.”

She laughed, it was a low and booming thing. “No, I don’t love him. I am obligated by the rules of my tribe to bear the strongest child possible. I believe he is the best choice for that. Once he has impregnated me I will no longer travel with him.” She laughed again. “He is far too meek to be my type.”

“And you’ve made… efforts to reach that point?”

She nodded. “Yes, but he wastes too much of his seed with the others.”

“Ah,” said John, once again pushing down a pang of jealousy. “I think we can maybe work this out for you.”

…

“Did you want another cup of tea princess?” asked John as they sat down. She balanced her cup expertly in her hand and sat with perfect posture.

“In my palace I wouldn’t have to even ask,” she said, holding out her cup.

John moved to the tea he’d made earlier, kept hot with a warming rune on the pot, and poured it carefully into her cup. He then poured himself a cup. He preferred coffee himself, but didn’t want to waste what was left in the pot. Katrina, his former secretary, had picked it up from the herbalist before she’d… He shook his head a bit, narrowly avoiding a drop of tea hitting his slacks and sat down.

The Princess was looking at him with her eyebrow raised.

“So,” he said with a smile. “How did you first meet Zak?”

“My father, The King, invited him to the palace when he slayed the Demon Knight of Wrath. The King gave him the order to slay the Demon King himself. After that I chose to travel with him, as I didn’t trust him or his little group of harlots to be able to finish the job properly.”

John nodded along.

“And when did you start to develop feelings for him?”

She went red, shaking her head. “I do not have feelings for him. I am simply betrothed to him as a reward by my father.”

“So if your father released you from the obligations of the betrothal you’d leave?”

She bit her lip, her face still red. “Well… I mean…my father would never do such a thing anyway.”

John nodded, “Of course, of course. Your duties take precedence.” He could tell she obviously actually loved Zak, so decided to let her have an out.

She regained her composure, some of the color leaving her face, and took a sip of tea.

…

Carol looked uncomfortable as she sat on the couch. Shifting herself as if it was physically uncomfortable for her to be there.

John gave her a light smile. “So, Zak told me that you two grew up in the same village?”

She nodded. “Yes. He was my neighbor.”

“When did you start to develop feeling for him? When he left as an adventurer?”

She smiled and shook her head a bit, blushing lightly. “No... it was probably when he threw a frog at my big brother. He’d been chasing me with a frog of his own and Zak tossed one right into his face,” she giggled a bit, then her smile dipped again as she remembered where she was and the uncomfortable shifting started again.

“What do you think of the others?”

She frowned. “They’re too rough on him. Too demanding. He’s earned his rest,” she shook her head. “I just want to take care of him.

“Hmm,” murmured John. “I think that’s all I need.”

…

“Come in everyone,” said John as he held the door open for each of them to file back in and squeeze back onto the couch. Once they were settled he moved back to his desk, but was interrupted by a light tapping on his window.

“Perfect timing,” he said as he opened the window for the small pixie that was hovering outside. The pixie handed him a small scrap of paper, and he reached into his pocket producing another piece of hardened honey. “Your tip,” he said handing it to her, she saluted and buzzed away. He latched the door and walked back to his desk to sit down, looking at the paper the pixie handed to him and nodding. He pulled a candle from a drawer in his desk and started to light it.

“So, thanks to the talks with everyone I think I can make things… about fifty percent easier for all of you.” The wick caught fire and he smiled, taking the scrap paper and igniting it before he started to read the runes on it.

“You who has been cursed to lose your heart you now regain it by the powers of my art,” the voice he spoke with was not his own, but that of an old woman. There was a crackling of purple energy as the note exploded into sparks. When it was done he blew the candle out, and looked at Serenetiya expectantly.

She blinked a few times, shaking her head a bit as black smoke leaked quickly from every orifice on her face. When it was gone she stood up with a wide smile.

“Oh thank the gods of the old forest!” she exclaimed. “My curse is lifted!”

“Curse?” asked Zak.

“She was cursed to love you. I sent a note to a cursebreaker friend of mine to get it resolved.”

Serenetiya walked up quickly to the desk and shook John’s hand thoroughly. “Thank you so much for this, I can’t believe the Knight’s curse could be broken so easily”.

“Avalon sees this kind of thing a lot. Happy I could help.”

She released his hand and looked at the rest of them. “What happened wasn’t anyone’s fault, but I just want to say, I hope I don’t see any of you again for at least a few hundred years.” With that she walked out the door.

“So… she didn’t love me?” asked Zak, more curious than hurt based on his tone.

“Fraid not. The root problem here, which is almost always the root problem of anything ever, is that none of you communicate properly.” He was being blunt, more blunt than he would’ve been back on Earth, but he was no longer really bound by the same rules he used to be, so bluntness was free for him to use at any time. “Now, to solve another problem you need to sleep with just Krush until she’s knocked up.”

Krush laughed. “He is far too small to knock me around by the force of his mating.”

John chuckled back. “It’s a term where I’m from. I mean he needs to impregnate you.”

“-now wait just a-”

“-That’s improper and-”

Both Carol and Grailia began talking at once and John held up a hand. “Do you want Krush to leave Zak alone or not?” he asked simply.

They said nothing.

“Thought so,” responded John. “I know some local alchemists that may be able to speed things along.”

“So Krush just wants my kid?” Zak asked.

John nodded. “Communication, as I said, you all need more of it.”

“What about…?” Zak looked at Carol and the Princess.

“Oh no, they both love you, no easy solutions in that case."

They both went crimson red, but only Grailia spoke.

“I do not!”

“Sure,” replied John dryly. “Whatever the case, I’d like to see you three for another appointment in say… a week?”

“Oh, are we out of time?” asked Zak.

“I mean, I solved half of your issues in a little over an hour. I’d say we’re doing pretty well so far. The rest of this though,” he looked at Zak, Carol, and the Princess. “will take some real work. Particularly when it comes to talking to one another. So, can I set another appointment for you?”

Krush laughed again. “I like this human. You should all be like this.”

John shrugged, keeping on a friendly smile. Sure he was great at giving others advice. Didn’t mean he was so great at following it.