God... I breathed out a sigh. I wish life was easier. No sooner had the plane touched down the timer started in my head, 3 weeks, that's 21 days, total, then I am back on a plane, headed back home to mom, back to the dullness and solitude that's slowly throttling the joy out of life. I miss my family here, leaving to go back is hard and it feels like it's been getting harder every time.
It's different here, Dad and Tanner, my step mother, can be a little protective but there is freedom, joy and happiness, my choices and opinions matter. I matter. I can be myself here, not told who I should be, not manipulated and guilted. I can't leave mom though, it wouldn't be fair to her. She reminds me every time how much she needs me and how she can't survive without me, as I climb on the plane leaving her. So, that timer is clear in my mind, every time I walk through the arrival gate, knowing there ultimately is no choice. She needs me! Gran says she needs the money I bring her that dad pays over for child support more than she needs me, sometimes I think she is right, I don't want to believe that would be more important to my mom but lately... thats all I hear her talking about.
Spending time with the family, my dad, my half brother Lukas, my half sister Ella and yes, that includes Tanner, always rocks. I miss them, being part of the big family, all in your business, all showing up to see you, celebrating your victories together, the encouragement from everyone when you have a difficult task ahead, constant support. It's the same every year and I can bet nothing has changed much, they are always there for each other and they always have your back. That's one reason the trip back sucks so much, I feel guilty for even thinking that, it's always just mom or her boyfriend waiting for me, he's old enough to be my grandfather, they stand there stiff as boards, waiting, no cheer, no excitement, no smiling, just "good, your home, we can leave now". Like I am wasting their time while they had to wait for me to land.
My mom and dad divorced when I was just over two years old, I can't really remember much about it or even the time they were together, I don't know why they divorced to begin with. Dad never talks about it and mom, well, I think her version is a little one sided. I used to blindly believe mom and what she said. It caused a lot of problems with Tanner and me when I was a kid. I said and did things I was not proud of back then, some of them did a lot of damage, all because I wanted my mom to want me and I wanted her to know no one could replace her and no matter what I would take her side. I can't take back what I said and did back then, but I try to show I'm sorry and prove I have changed when I'm here. Dad always says actions speak louder than words and I hope the past few years have shown how truly sorry I am.
When I was still in primary school mom moved us to a sleepy coastal town where the main topic of discussion is how retirement annuities are fairing and who is hosting the latest bridge party. The town has developed a lot more in the most recent years and become a haven for those wanting to join the work from home fad. Still no mall or big developments and still only the one high school and a 2 hour drive to the nearest University.
Mom blames dad for everything and even though it's been 19 almost 20 years since their divorce, all I hear is the bitterness when she brings up, all about dad's side of the family and how everything bad is their fault. I could understand it, if what she said was true, that dad knocked Tanner up while they were married. I would also be pissed if my husband cheated on me, but her time lines do not add up, Lukas just turned 18 this past week and Ella is only 17. Gran says mom left before that, mom says it was the reason they divorced, she even called Tanner a home wrecker a few times when I was younger. To me that meant as a kid it meant Tanner was public enemy number one and had to go. I drop that thought in the 'things I cannot change from my past' bag of guilt I carry around.
I don't hate home with mom or even moms whining when it comes to my family here, I just ignore her and it becomes white noise when she starts up. I wish she would move on and just drop it. Moving back to civilization also wouldn't hurt, I just want more time closer to the rest of my family, to life and people my age. I also miss my siblings, as crazy as they are, and trust me Ella really puts a new definition to crazy at times, they make me laugh and make my world just a little less lonely and a little more brighter.
It's not always easy being the eldest. My dad doesn't put any pressure on me to be anything except for me. He has encouraged me every step of the way while I'm busy at university studying. My step mom, Tanner, is still a little weary of me. It hurts but again I don't blame her! Not. One. Bit. I can't, I deserve it. Not after everything my mom and I put her through when I was younger. If I could undo the past I would but I can't. I can only try to be better.
I make my way through baggage claim, grab the one I checked in and plaster a smile as I walk out the exit and there they are, holding a flashy sign which looks like a glitter bomb exploded on it, I'm guessing that's Ella's handy work. She may only be my half sister but she is my complete opposite in every way. That girl has got the energy and stamina of a squirrel on too much caffeine. She has been my little shadow every time I come back to dad's from the time she could walk, what she lacks in boundaries she makes up for in love. Her enthusiasm and excitement are contagious and I can't help but really smile as I walk closer and read what she wrote "Escape lunatic loose! Approach with caution!" with a really cheesy photo of me, Lucas and Ella underneath.
Ella is the first to see me and she rushes over arms waving like a crazy person, screaming my name at the top of her lungs in that sing-song husky voice of hers "Jazzy! You're here!"
What is she wearing? I frown as I look at her, confused and dazzled all at once. Even at 17 she looks like she is ready to launch herself down a catwalk and God help anyone that stops her or tells her what she is wearing is not fashionable, this is her own style. She has been making her own clothing from the time she was 10 and Tanner took her for her first sewing lesson. She can pull any look off and own it, she is just so confident and beautiful, why she won't try modeling, is again, one of those mysteries of the world that will never be solved. She prefers to be the designer, the brains behind the beauty, she is crazy smart, genius level. She graduated high school this month, she's recently turned 17 and was homeschooled.
I know she's coming and I underestimate her every time, this crazy whirlwind with blond waist length hair, gray eyes, long legs, dimples, so opposite to mine, a bundle of pure energy knocks me flat on my behind... again, as she knocks into me with the force of a freight train, footballers have nothing against her. We lay there a second, giggling like only sisters can, for an insane moment drawing disapproving looks from those around us, I don't care they can go jump for all the eye rolling they are doing. "What's up little sis, I swear you're like a wrecking ball on legs." I tell her laughing as Dad and Lucas approach, offering us each a hand up.
"Man I have missed you, this time it felt like forever!" Ella rattles on back in freight train mode at full speed. "And come on you knew it was coming. You brought your guitar sweet! Dads put up a new studio at the house for us to have fun in." Having a father that was a musician meant from young our natural talent was nurtured and encouraged. My guitar had been a gift from dad when I turned 10 and to this day it was the best gift I had ever received.
I grab Lucas' hand accepting the boost and keep looking up, man at 18, what have they been feeding him? He passed the six foot mark when he was 14 and just kept going, he eventually started slowing down which is a good thing but at 6 foot 3 he was really tall. Come to think about it, I look at Ella, she has shot up again too and I crane my neck to look up at her now, I feel like a midget compared to them. Mom was actually taller than Tanner so it still frustrates me that I'm this short. I always felt a little insecure about my height in this family being a mere 5 foot 3. The bullies in school were always close by to remind me about how short I am. I shake off the unpleasant memories that try to drag me down.
I turned back to Lucas, "Wow, little bro, what the heck? When did you get muscles? The girls have to be going crazy over you!" Lukas blushes an even redder shade than his red hair, he is so going to be a heartbreaker when he realizes how cute he is, and man the dimples and blue eyes were going to be what crushes were made of, his thick ginger hair looking like he just got out of bed, which knowing him, probably had not been brushed in a while, and were also not hurting his looks at all. Judging by the straining seams in his shirt his arms were pushing it to the max durability and about to burst given the chance should one out of place flex happen, his work out regime he started last time I was here had helped him put on some bulk.
"Great to have you back sis" Lukas tells me ,"You know I have a girlfriend right? So it's only her I see." He tells me. He had been in a relationship with a girl for the past year, I think her name is Layla, Lysa something with an L. I haven't really had the chance to see her properly and video chat does not count.
Dad and Tanner each hug me and it looks like Tanner is fighting back tears again, it happens every time I come and every time I go. "Welcome home angel!" She tells me she hates saying goodbye and wishes I would come live with them. Even with her weariness she only wants what's best for me, she has a heart of gold and that should have been my first clue as a kid that mom was not telling the truth... but hindsight and all that. Dad and Lukas grab my bags and Ella grabs my guitar case and we head for the parking lot. They have had the same car for the past 12 years and it looks like some things never change as we load up and roll out.
Tonight the rest of the family will be at the house, all wanting to see me, grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins, man, I miss them all too. I miss the chaotic life filled with laughter and love that pours out of them.