Ch. 18: Tactless

I have Ishfaq and Vera discuss potential costume ideas as I have my mercenary driver take Solvent and I to the next place I have to be today. An award ceremony. Which I still don't want to be at.

I sit in the back seat, next to Solvent, lost in though. "Solvent, how might one such as I amuse my good self at this self-congratulatory sham?"

"You are digging again."

"Indeed. You are correct. Driver, may I ask your name, sir?"

"J7."

"J7, your parents chose that artfully. Tell me, were you in my mask, how would you disrupt this festivity?"

"Whatever Solvent said."

"Amusement carries no penalty."

"I can ask C or back of house if you want." She wiggles her phone a bit to make her point.

"No, no, that won't be required. I believe they will only discourage me further."

'I am doing it.'

"Has my entire staff turned coat against me?"

There's no reply for around thirty seconds, until my personal phone buzzes. I check the lock screen.

'E: I swear to ducking god if you do something stupid that ducks us all over I will personally ducking kill you'

"It would seem my question answered itself."

It's strange being at city hall. I was never one for local politics, it always felt like a waste of time to worry about what a city was doing when the state or country could come down with a hammer and crush your life. I've only ever been here for license renewals before. Now, I'm waiting to be in a private ceremony.

The building is majestic in that typical government building way: 100 years old with a 3 year old coat of paint. Pale blues and reds line the roof of the structure, a large "Dudek City Hall" carved into the concrete that caps off the red bricks and arched windows. The best way I could describe it is a library's estranged cousin. An excellent place for me to objectively not fit in.

"Solvent, I will compromise with you. In return for not informing the Back of House, I will limit my outbursts to simply informing people of their illnesses."

"Do not embarrass people."

"What if they deign to mock me, at a ceremony where I am being honored?"

"Okay that is fair."

I clap her on the shoulder. "We make a fine team. Remind me to increase your pay."

"I already have too much to spend."

"Identical circumstances here. Suffering from our success."

"We do make a good team."

I tap my cane as I stand outside the concrete building, Solvent by my side. I got here early, and I imagine city hall doesn't want a notorious underground villain breaking into their building. Of course, this did mean all of the local politicians, various local heroes, and so on would see me, looking important, at the front of City Hall. I wasn't trying to make a statement beyond 'we exist, and we're not causing trouble.' Hopefully that message was getting across.

At least, until I started seeing familiar faces.

"Sir Liron! Sir Bradley!" I call. My new voice modulator must have confused Bradley, since he seemed startled until he spots me. Liron's face goes from bored to mild amusement the second he hears the word "Sir".

They both walk over, as I lean against a concrete planter that has a few neatly trimmed shrubs. "My friends! How fare you?" Liron and Bradley both offer a handshake, which I gratefully take.

"I'm good," Liron says, smiling. "Can't thank you enough for that ulcer cure. I thought for sure it'd wear off, but no, still hasn't come back. Shame I can't go to the Apothecary again."

"Ack! Are the EViRT brass forbidding your entry?"

"Huh? No, nothing like that, just figured it'd be tough for you to have cops in a clinic that's... is "loosely gang-adjacent" fair to say?"

"I know not, but considering heroes pass through as well, I doubt you will be halted. The Apothecary serves nearly all, hence my appearance at this aggrandizing spectacle today."

"No kidding? Good to know. I've got this thing with... why am I telling you? You know everything anyway."

I laugh. Emily made the new modulator translate laughs as much more genuine. I think it unnerved Liron a bit to see me actually happy. "And of you, Sir Bradley? I hope you are well."

"Yeah. Husband and I worked out the... that. Turns out you saved my life, long story. Thanks. Still uncomfortable to talk about." He can't decide where to rest his weight, and is trying to look into the lenses of my mask in an approximation of eye contact, but his eyes keep getting pulled off to the side, or to the floor.

I'm glad he's okay, genuinely. Our first meeting was tense, but having guns pointed at me has become a sign of respect. "Then we speak no more of it, beyond my relief at your wellbeing. Pray tell, what brings you both here?"

"Apparently, you do. Well, you and those other chuckleheads working up North."

"Oh? Other?"

"Surprised you haven't heard of them. Yeah, the other underground clinic. Has a couple sorta-kinda-doctors. Not really the kind of place for... well, people who aren't them." Liron grimaces, clearly annoyed. "Technically they have a cape there too, power is basically just telekinetically sewing thing quickly. Calls herself some dumb shit like "Motherland" or whatever. Pretty sure she's directly under the Untainted. Fortunately for us both, she decided not to show herself today."

"Indeed? Unsurprising we have not crossed paths, then. I remain firm in strictly forbidding those vermin from taking root within my walls."

"Always knew you were a good egg. Completely cracked, but you know. Also, I felt like a huge asshole for not asking last time. Who's your friend in the gas mask? Solvent, right?"

"Tell them I hate cops," she signs. Bradley looks embarrassed seeing her hands, and both him and Liron look to me for a translation.

"Indeed, this is Solvent, my personal guard. She has instructed me to inform you that, in her words, she hates cops."

Liron chuckles a bit. "Can't blame her. I do too, some days. Okay, Bradley and I have asses to kiss. See you inside."

With a wave, they head in, and I continue following people's ascent up the steps to city hall, with my beak pointing at them like a rifle barrel.

I notice a green dot running quickly towards me on my HUD, turning in amusement while hoping to see Solvent obliterate whoever made that mistake.

Only, when Solvent goes to flip the costumed hero, she's countered and is herself thrown to the ground. She tries to get the assailant into an armlock before letting go and realize who she's attacking.

"Oh, it is you," Solvent signs.

"It's me!" Cavalcade replies, her costume a brilliant mix of white and gold. She helps Solvent up and hugs me tightly. It's always intimidating when someone probably strong enough to crush my spine does that. Between her and Barkbite, I've been hugged far too often by people who aren't Emily lately.

Solvent nods approvingly at Cavalcade, seeming appreciative she knows sign.

I lightly tip my hat. "I see your recovery went swimmingly."

"Yep, all thanks to you! Still getting my energy back up, but God damn does it feel nice to be moving around again. I still owe you, by the way, and I refuse to hear a single word saying I don't. Apparently, twenty-five other people owe you too."

Getting her energy up? She could have fooled me. She's jittery, bouncing on the balls of her feet. I hope that isn't my doing.

"Have there been complications? Be candid, Cavalcade, yours was my first attempt at such a large scale reconstruction."

"Literally none. Even my restless leg is gone. Well, I guess it literally was gone. You get the point, it didn't come back. Everything's perfect."

increased energy usage dispower,

infrequent chronic indigestion,

"Indeed, all I sense from you of note is your dispower. Unfortunately, though, you are no longer my most impressive work. A shame, but you'll be towards the back of the float when they eventually begin the parades in my honor," I joke, still looking her over. Not too much skin is exposed by the costume, but her hands and face are. Her skin tone is leveling out, almost completely blending in again.

She giggles like a machine gun, high and rapid. "That's for the better. Barkbite's the face between us. He says hi, by the way, and that he isn't intentionally avoiding you between the meeting and this."

"Give my regards to your brother, then. I shan't keep you, you seem to have energy to burn."

"Sorry, I'm usually a bit hyper because of the dispower, but its in overdrive lately because of how darn happy I am. I'm walking on air, seriously. God, its a beautiful day. I'll see you soon!" She half-walks, half-leaps up the stairs leading into the building.

"She is the only good cop," Solvent signs, her fingers fluid as ever.

"She's the exact opposite of you."

"Yes. I would be a bad cop."

I guess that's inarguable logic. I check the time on my phone. Time to get inside and find our seats.

Evidently, I wasn't given a plus one. My seat is in one the many tables in a large dining hall, with Liron and Bradley sharing my table. Even when giving me an award, I need to be escorted by police.

"Please, Solvent. Sit."

"This seems fun. I love cops as you know."

I stand behind Solvent's seat, directly blocking the view of some man I don't care about. It's quite a spectacle, the singular non-hero in costume standing up without a seat, until eventually an event director pulls out a folding chair for me to sit in, noticeably sticking out from the nicer chairs everyone else has. I'd usually avoid making a scene over this, but who doesn't get a plus one to an event they're being honored in?

I notice Kinsey sitting at the table across from me, trying desperately to not look in my direction. This is already turning out to be a lot more fun than I expected it to be.

As the last of the seats fill, I watch at the mayor, a thin man named Barnett, walks up to the podium from just outside the hallway. Immediately, he's disapprovingly looking at my folding chair, though I don't know if his annoyance is directed at me or at the event director.

He clears his throat, launching into his speech about how resilient the city is, how many real heroes were made that day, all the usual tropes and platitudes. It occurs to me that there are maybe ten people total in the crowd who aren't politicians or donors. They don't have a single doctor here besides me, either. Just the hospital directors.

Pretty clearly this is just a vehicle for schmoozing, with a thin veneer of praising healthcare workers. Under that framework, though, I can't see why I'm here. I dismissed it as a trap from the start since at any point, I could simply start attacking people, so I'm only left to believe they want something from me. Which makes sense, I suppose, since I have a particularly valuable resource, one that people regardless of means need.

It hits me. I'm the target of the schmoozing, not the fanfare hiding it.

I'm a big fan of having my ego stroked. Not so much having it taken advantage of.

I take out my phone. Emily had an ingenious addition a few days ago: a screen protector, that without my mask's lenses, made the phone completely black. There's no risk of being overseen as I send her a quick text as the mayor starts into some trite history lesson on the city.

'Me: Fair tidings, Back of House.'

She has two phones as well. Her actual one, and one she used exclusively when the battery on her first was dead and wanted to watch videos, or we needed to speak in character.

'Back of House: Apothecary is secure, no emergencies.

Me: Wonderful. My belief is that this charade is likely for my benefit. I have a creeping suspicious they seek nothing but to guide me along their paths.

Back of House: Acknowledged. Accessing your mask's camera. Verifying...'

As the mayor finishes saying "in our darkest times, even those misunderstood true heroes, showing their selflessness in the face of a world that rejected them, rose to the occasion," she replies.

'Back of House: Have fun. I'm watching.

Me: My thanks.'

Even Emily thinks this is tactless enough to be worth disrupting. Something about that makes my blood stir. I'm going to need to see her after this.

Finally, the actual awards are being handed out. Fancy gilded seals of the city on polished wood, excellent accent pieces to add to all the others in the hospital directors' offices. I clap for an uncomfortably long time after each one. Especially Kinsey's.

The mayors forces a smile very effectively, I notice. "Finally, we'd like to honor a person whose heroic actions saved twenty-five people who no one else could helped as our hospitals reached capacity. Thank you to him, an empowered healer working in a small community in the south of our great city. Please, step forward."

There's scattered applause as I stand. "Solvent," is all I have to say, and she accompanies me to the podium. I see a couple security guards getting nervous that I brought a friend.

Barnett doesn't step away from the microphone on the podium as he offers me the plaque. No matter, I'll give a speech anyway. "Set volume to two point three." I say, watching the mayor grimace as he still awkwardly extends the plaque.

I look out over the crowd of schmoozers. No need to get myself kicked out yet, just make an impression.

"Fair morrow, my fellows! As the Honorable Mayor Barnett seems unaware, I shall introduce my good self, I am called Beaker, physician, chemist, and proprietor of the Apothecary." I extravagantly bow, as Solvent stands just behind me, arms folded.

"I shall not accept this award, instead I would ask it be bestowed upon a nurse who was forced into a triple shift to care for those injured. Falsify not that none were, for my associate and protector can detect such lies."

I step down, and return to my folding chair, leaving the mayor awkwardly holding the award. Though they don't formally acknowledge me, I can see both Liron and Bradley holding back smiles. The mayor quickly says a few words about fellowship or something before a final round of applause closes the ceremony.

Soon, lunch is brought out to the all the attendees. The mayor and a few others approach my table immediately, as if to stop me from leave.

He offers a handshake. "Beaker, right?"

I take it, gingerly. "The Honorable- Set volume to default- The Honorable Mayor Barnett. A pleasure. What brings you to the shared table of EViRT and the Apothecary?"

He looks a little put off by the flimsy handshake. I wonder what he's thinking. That I'm weak, a woman, gay, being an ass? Any of them work in my goal of upsetting his perception of me. "A few introductions first. This is Marcie Holzer of Harrier Pharmaceuticals, and this is Senator Harding-Kissel." I exchange similar handshakes with each, still not standing.

"A pleasure. My compatriot beside me is Solvent. She is my bodyguard, assistant, and seer of lies." Solvent offers notably strong handshakes, as I've felt before. Maybe that'll make up for my own weak one, I muse.

"Seer of lies?" the mayor asks.

"Indeed. An invaluable tool for one in my position, would you not agree?" I've lied about it before, too, and spreading a rumor like that to the mayor and a state senator will be wonderful, I'm sure.

"Yes, I'm sure it is... Anyway, we'd like to feel you out a bit," he says, a bit nervous realizing he can't openly lie.

"Heavens, I am not a common strumpet! Have you no shame?" I say, laughing before he can respond. "I jest, I jest. Lighten yourself, Honorable Mayor, and sit."

I gesture at the table, notably lacking extra chairs. He and the other two quickly go and get them from an adjacent one. It's almost too easy.

"Now, may I address the fellow chemist first? I am afraid the tinctures I derive are unable to be used by others beyond myself, a facet of my empowerment. There is little for you to gain here, I regret to inform you."

Holzer grimly nods, thanking me for my time and excusing herself, leaving the chair open.

"Okay," the mayor says, fidgety. "I'm starting to understand you better. We figured you'd like the theatrics of the ceremony, but it seems we were wrong."

"I am quite the theatrical woman, I assure you, good sirs. I simply detest using such a tragedy as a means to an end. Had you merely contacted me directly, I would have been more open. You are at a disadvantage now, Honorable Mayor, as I have been genuinely insulted by this egregious, offending display." I offer my plate to Solvent, who shrugs and starts eating.

I can tell the mayor is getting annoyed with me, as the state senator takes over. "I saw the gruesome pictures of what you managed. Are you interested in a government job?" he asks, lips pursed.

"And abandon my Apothecary? Hardly."

The mayor rolls his eyes. "Alright, we get it, you're very independent. A couple sources told us you'd heal anyone, though. Is that correct?"

coronary artery disease, water + toothpaste + charcoal + nylon + any artificial sweetener

"I assume this is in relation to the plaque buildup in your arteries?"

He covers his face, a mix of emotions going through him as he realizes I'm not a fake. "Not just me."

"Of course. Though I will note the Apothecary operates in order of need and time of arrival, not on the biggest billfold."

He doesn't seem to believe me. "How about for house calls?"

Oh, this is too easy. "Alas, I only perform those on special occasions, for exclusively personal reasons. Such as my friend Cavalcade, who I was introduced to by another friend and found a unique challenge in. My lab, you see, is hardly mobile."

"I get it. You're just an arrogant asshole," he says, not seeing the obvious irony.

"Indeed, we are two of a pair. If you debased yourself, stooped to the level of mixing with mere commoners and bared witness to the horrors of waiting in line, then you would be treated. I believe our business is concluded here. State senator, you are hale, I suspect if you have any health concerns that they may be medical anxiety or a related disorder, for which talk therapy exceeds my own capacity to treat."

I stand up, tapping my cane. "Officers Liron and Bradley, I enjoyed our conversation earlier, as always, feel free to visit my clinic at your leisure. Come, Solvent. And keep the plate. I will find it much more useful than a plaque. No pun intended towards your condition, mayor." With another bow, I leave with Solvent, who keeps eating as we walk away from our own table and back to the car.